Heart of Us Read online

  I stayed in my corner until late that night. I read the Bible, journaled, and sang along to the songs. The fire was fizzling out in the hearth and most of the rest of the youth group had left by the time I crept into bed that night. There was a deep sense of peace that enveloped me as I put my head to rest.

  The next morning, the bell rang at seven, and by nine we were back on the bus, waiting in line for the ferry that would take us across to the Isle of Mull. The sea between Oban and the Isle of Mull was choppy, and though I hung out and had a laugh with everyone, I felt somewhat queasy. I was thankful the ferry crossing only took about an hour. We all got back on the bus, and I sat next to Jack, who had convinced me I would be able to see the scenery just as well from the window seat further in the back as I would at the front of the bus.

  Going along the windy roads from Craignure to Fionnphort, we passed mountains I itched to explore, and beautiful beaches, even as I was feeling more nauseous by the minute. Once in a while, we passed a village or a lonely house, but mainly there were sheep scattered across the hills. Not that I got to see much of the scenery, as a game of steal the hat was going on around me. The game seemed to get rowdier and rowdier, until it ended when I stole Jack’s cap and proceeded to vomit in it.

  I hadn’t meant to end the game, but by that point I was so nauseous I had no alternative than to throw up. And Jack’s cap seemed a fitting container.

  You might think Jack would have rubbed my back, or held my hair out of my face, or offered me a drink of water when I was done. But Jack wasn’t one to be sympathetic.

  ‘Miranda!’ He groaned, before calling for the bus to be stopped so I could get off.

  Doing my best to stop retching, I walked carefully, keeping a hand under the cap to catch any leaks. Thankfully, the cap was surprisingly watertight. Once out of the bus, I vomited again by the side of the road, before our youth leader, Molly, came up behind me with a bottle of water and a plastic bag for Jack’s cap.

  ‘I don’t think Jack will want this back, eh?’ she said as she took it from me.

  ‘Probably not.’ I wiped my face with the end of my sleeve. I tended to cry whenever I threw up.

  ‘Are you ok?’ Molly rubbed a hand down my back.

  I cleared my throat and wiped at my face again. ‘Uh-huh.’

  Once I had taken a few deep breaths and another few sips of water, I felt better. Molly and I swapped seats on the bus so I could sit in the front for the rest of the way. It wasn’t much longer before we got to Fionnphort, where we got off the bus to take the ferry across to Iona. The crossing only took about ten minutes, and the fresh sea air made me feel better. Jack came to find me and Julia as we stood by the railing staring towards the horizon.

  ‘So… I take it you threw out my cap?’

  Annoyed he cared more about his cap than about how I was doing, I said, ‘Did you want it back?’

  He scrunched his face in disgust. ‘I guess not.’

  ‘I didn’t think so.’

  ‘Honestly, Jack!’ Julia cut in. ‘You’ve got the sensitivity of a brick. Miranda is clearly feeling out of sorts, but all you care about is your stupid cap.’

  Jack’s shoulders went stiff, and he pulled a hand through his hair. ‘Right,’ he muttered, clearly unsure of what to say.

  ‘No, it’s ok.’ I sighed. Sometimes Jack seemed completely closed off to me, but I didn’t want to start a fight with him over something so trivial. ‘I’m feeling better, and I’m sorry about your cap. I’ll see if I can find you one to replace it.’

  ‘Don’t worry about it. It’s just a cap.’ He ran a hand through his hair, still unsure of himself.

  ‘Well, it came in very handy. Thank you.’ I smiled as I reached out for him and pulled him in for a hug.

  He relaxed against me and hugged me tight for a minute before saying, ‘Just don’t kiss me. I’m sure you have puke-breath.’

  Pushing him away, I snorted. ‘Mhm.’

  The ferry was docking, so I took his hand in mine. Together with the rest of the group we walked off the ferry and toward Iona Abbey.

  I spent the rest of the weekend allowing myself not to think about what was going on at home. Instead, I revelled in the beauty that was the Inner Hebrides and Oban. The peace that seemed to rush towards me as we stepped onto Iona would have made me consider becoming a nun had it not been for my relationship with Jack. The windswept island with its Celtic crosses spoke of an ancient history of God’s peace flowing gently, and part of me wanted to stay there forever. I never wanted to leave the peace.

  We did a lot of walking, and explored the island that day, all structured around a Celtic rhythm which was led by the YWAM team. They took us through short devotions, and easy songs, and we read through a few of the Psalms together. And, deep inside, I acknowledged that though there were many things I didn’t understand about God, the love and peace I felt that day made me want to know him and be known by him.

  When we returned home on the Sunday evening, we were all exhausted and happy. I felt like, though it had only been two days, I had become a different person somehow.

  That’s why, when I came home to find out arrangements had been made for Dad to go to rehab, I felt it was God answering my strongest yearning and most heartfelt prayer. It felt as though God was finally coming through for our family.

  Chapter 12

  Present

  Miranda

  Being in Hong Kong was… amazing. We spent the first couple of days staying in a flat provided by the company Jack worked for, as he was technically there for meetings. He had to put in a couple of full days of work in the first week, and I was glad I had brought my knitting, but mostly we did sight-seeing, whilst trying to get our body clocks to adjust to the time change.

  Hong Kong is beautiful, lying as it does on the sea with big mountains to contrast the busy city, and I enjoyed experiencing the culture. We took the tram up Victoria Peak to take in the views of the city and went to Victoria Harbour at sunset. We took in the night lights that lit up the sleek city buildings, and went to beautiful, tranquil gardens that seemed in such contrast to the busy city life but, somehow, still fit. And then there was the food. Though there was much meat on offer, as a vegetarian I had no problem finding lots of delicious food to eat. Jack took me to his favourite places and ordered food until I couldn’t possibly force another bite down.

  One day, after he finished work, he met me at the harbour. The grin on his face when he saw me made my heart race. I wondered how I would ever survive seeing that look directed at someone else, but reminded myself not to think about the future, and let myself enjoy this break from reality. For this trip I could pretend he was mine.

  I grinned back. ‘How was your day?’

  He pulled me close, sending tingles down my spine, and dropped a kiss on my lips. I sighed as he pulled away, and the pleased look on his face grew. ‘Better now.’ And I knew that whatever kind of day he had had, that would have been his response to seeing me then.

  As far as flings go, it couldn’t have been better. I had given up on any notion of holding back a long time ago, and whilst I knew it would hurt to end this side of our relationship forever after we landed in Edinburgh, I also knew I would forever regret it if I wasn’t fully engaged whilst I had the chance. Because I knew I would never have this opportunity again.

  One morning, after we had been there for a few days, I woke up as I heard Jack getting himself ready for work. I wrapped myself in the robe I had picked up when shopping, tied it at the waist over my sleep shorts and tank top, and went to put the kettle on.

  ‘Good morning,’ Jack said, as he entered the kitchen area a few minutes later. His white shirt was tucked into a blue pair of slacks, and his tie was hanging untied around his neck. Jack had left after years of being a student, but since leaving he had become a professional, and the suits were a good fit on him.

  Too good.

  It was impossible to stop the spread of a smile on my face. ‘Sure is.’

>   He smirked. ‘Last full day of Hong Kong. Got any plans for the day?’ He took a banana off the counter and stuffed it into his bag with his coffee mug.

  ‘Maybe I’ll just go downtown and soak up the atmosphere.’

  ‘Oh yeah? Maybe we could meet up somewhere once I’ve finished with work?’

  My toast popped up, and I pulled my attention away from him to get it out. ‘Sure. Text me.’

  I took a deep breath as Jack came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist, dropping his head to take a deep breath at my neck. The butter knife fell out of my hand as he pulled at the loose neck of my robe to expose my shoulder. The scruff of his shaved chin scraped against my skin as he placed gentle kisses along my shoulder up my neck. His hands scooped my hair and, tugging it to one side, he tilted my face to his so he could trail soft kisses along my jaw. Then, he waited for me to open my eyes to meet his before lowering his head and devouring my mouth. His lips were soft, even as his teeth nipped at my lips and his tongue soothed his bites. Still tugging on my hair with one hand, his other hand wrapped around my waist, pulling me close to his chest as his lips stayed on mine.

  Then, he pulled away.

  Catching my breath, my eyes flew to his.

  ‘Have a nice morning.’ He looked just a little too pleased with himself.

  I pressed a hand to my lips as I fought to find my balance. ‘Uh-huh.’

  He took his bag, waved his hand and shot me a grin as he left the flat.

  Turning back to my cold piece of toast, I sighed. Jack had been great at kissing when we were teenagers, but kissing Jack the man was different.

  It was raw. Enchanting.

  It was like living a dream.

  ***

  By the end of the day, Jack had finished up his work project and we grabbed the front seats on the top deck of a tram and went to Kennedy Town, where we got off and had a celebratory dinner before going back again. The tram ride took just under an hour, and it was lovely to watch the city go by in the night. I wondered if this was what life would have been like if I had gone with Jack back when I was meant to, but quickly put the thought out of my mind. There was no point in going there. Instead I forced myself to live in the moment. And the moment was pretty good. Holding on to Jack’s hand as I experienced Hong Kong had made it all a thousand times better than going alone would have been.

  Late that night, I video called Julia and Sophia about our plans, and the next morning Jack and I put on our backpacks and left the apartment early to get to the Hong Kong – China border at Lo Wu. We went through Security and Passport Control upon leaving Hong Kong, walked across a corridor, and went through Security and Passport Control again to enter China. Having grown up hearing stories about people being caught at the Chinese border for smuggling Bibles and then put in jail for the rest of their lives, I was nervous. It was an irrational anxiety, as Jack so helpfully pointed out, as I wasn’t smuggling anything, but I still breathed a sigh of relief when were cleared to go.

  And despite Jack being annoying like that, I was thankful he was with me. He had spoken to some friends and sorted out our travel to Guangzhou. There we would meet with Mr Chen, the guy I had been put in touch with when I had done my research on sourcing medical grade silicone products. I had originally intended to visit two companies, but the second company had stopped responding to my emails, which meant I had decided to drop them and hoped this one would work.

  We got back on the metro, and were soon in Shenzhen, where we got on a high-speed train to Guangzhou.

  Though it was a few years later than I had expected, it was thrilling to sit on the train with our backpacks together, looking out the window as we sped past all the places. Jack took a selfie of us, but I convinced him not to post it to Instagram, as the stars in our eyes as we looked at each other were too evident. We had decided our fling would be an Asia-only deal and, frankly, I could do without the questions a picture like that would cause.

  Instead, I took a picture of him, which I posted with the caption Craziness with this guy in China! #Adventuretime. And he took a picture of me and posted it on his account with the less ambiguous caption, Everything is better with this girl #Loveofmylife.

  There went my hopes to keep our fling under the radar. My heart both took flight and dived in dread as I wondered if this fling was really a very bad idea after all. I commented on his picture with a simple #JustFriends, but I resigned myself to getting all the questions.

  The train station in Guangzhou was heaving with people trying to catch a train or arriving from other cities. I was thankful to have Jack there as he seemed to know where to go. Coming out of the station, we walked across the big square, also full of people. After a quick meal at KFC (because: western style toilets), we got a taxi through the busy city to a nice-looking business district. We found the right building and went to find Mr Chen. Dressed in a neat suit, he was waiting for us in the foyer, and took us to his office, where we took off our heavy backpacks before sitting down. My back would have wept for joy had it been able to.

  ‘Would you like some tea?’ Mr Chen spoke softly and showed no emotion.

  Jack had told me always to say no to anything offered the first two times, as saying yes straight away might be perceived as rude, so I smiled gratefully and shook my head. ‘No, thank you.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ Mr Chen tilted his head.

  ‘I’m fine, but thank you.’ I glanced at Jack, and he agreed.

  ‘How was your trip?’

  ‘Not bad,’ Jack said. ‘It’s nice to be in China again.’

  ‘Ah, you’ve been before?’

  ‘Yes, I used to live in Hong Kong.’

  ‘Ah. And yourself?’ He looked at me.

  ‘It’s my first time. I’ve wanted to come here for a long time. I love the food, and this is such a beautiful country.’

  ‘Thank you.’ Mr Chen nodded. ‘I went to university in Manchester, so I know it is very different from the UK.’

  ‘Oh, really? I thought your English was very good!’

  Mr Chen laughed. ‘Thank you.’

  ‘I had a friend from China when I was at university in Edinburgh. We studied Business and Management together. Her English name is Eva.’

  ‘Oh.’ Mr Chen nodded. ‘Will you visit her now you are here?’

  I shook my head. ‘No. She married an English man, and they live in London now. She came back here for the wedding, though, and her wedding photos are amazing. There’s this one photo of them standing on a bridge over a pond. Only, there are so many fish below the bridge, you can hardly tell it’s a pond.’

  ‘For luck.’ Mr Chen gave a smile.

  ‘Yes, that’s what she told me.’ I smiled back at him.

  ‘Let me get you some tea.’ Mr Chen stood up and looked at us in question. When we nodded, he left the room briefly to get us some cups of green tea with leaves at the bottom of the cups.

  ‘Now. About these silicone cups.’ Mr Chen sat down and leaned back in his chair. ‘You are here to work out if you can get them for a fair price, and to see if they will be produced in an ethical way. No?’

  I gave a startled laugh. ‘Yes. How did you know?’

  ‘Why else would you be here? You would have ordered them online if you weren’t concerned about the ethical side of things.’

  I nodded. ‘Yes.’

  ‘How much time do you have left in China?’

  I looked at Jack and answered. ‘We have flights out of Beijing in ten days.’

  ‘If you want to see the factory where the cups will be made, you will have to go to Yunnan province. The factory is outside of Kunming. You can fly from here or take the train. It takes thirty-six hours from Guangzhou station. Then you will have to take a bus out to the smaller town where the factory is.’ He shrugged. ‘Or you can take my word that the workers are treated well.’

  I smiled. ‘With respect, Mr Chen, I think I’d like to see if for myself.’

  He tilted his head and smiled. ‘Of cou
rse.’

  We talked about the size of the order and looked at prototypes of the two models I had selected, before he gave us all the directions we would need for the visit to the factory.

  After our meeting with Mr Chen ended, we stepped outside with our backpacks again. Jack said, ‘I guess we’ve changed our plans from taking the train to Beijing now to going to Kunming instead?’

  I grimaced. ‘Is that ok?’

  ‘Of course.’ His whole face beamed at me. ‘It’s an adventure.’ My heart skipped a beat as he winked. I had always loved how he was up for anything.

  Instead of trying to find a hostel for the night, Jack rang a friend in Hong Kong who arranged for us to stay at his company’s apartment in Guangzhou. And, somehow, we managed to get train tickets for the train that left early the next morning. The apartment was close to the train station, which made getting the train the next morning easy. We pushed through the crowds and found our train a few minutes before it was due to leave. We were in a sleeper coach with six beds in each alcove, and we had the top bunks. I climbed up the beds to get to mine, and Jack passed me our backpacks before climbing up himself, softly whistling that tune I couldn’t place.

  Below us was a couple in their thirties, and on the bottom bunks were two girls in their early twenties. Their English wasn’t great, but Jack was able to communicate a little with them in a mix of Chinese and English. None of them smoked, for which I was thankful, as many of the other passengers spent the whole journey smoking. Slowly the whole carriage filled with smoke.

  I resigned myself to getting the black lung, and Jack laughed. ‘I think getting the black lung takes a little more than breathing smoke for thirty-six hours. Besides, the pollution in Guangzhou is probably just as bad for your lungs as the air on the train is.’

  Part of me wanted to spend the journey just looking out the window, taking all of China in, but Jack took out a deck of cards, and we played cards for hours. Once in a while, a lady with a very shrill voice would come through the carriage with a food cart, and we would get some packs of noodles, which we poured boiling water from the urn at the end of the carriage on, before slurping them down with our chop sticks. Jack was a pro at the chop stick thing, but I felt like I was starting to get a hang of it, too.