Heart of Us Read online

  Heart of Us

  A Philosophical Romance

  Emma Browne

  This book is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or events, is coincidental.

  Copyright © 2020 Emma Wagner. All rights reserved.

  No part of this book may be used, reproduced, or distributed in any manner whatsoever without explicit written permission from the author.

  Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

  Editing by Mary McCorkle & Rebecca Kremer

  Cover design by Emma Wagner. Photo from unsplash.com

  Made in Scotland.

  Print edition

  Dedication

  To Stefan – you wonderful, kind soul. You were a hero, and I’m forever proud to have been considered a friend. Rest in peace.

  And to all the others in my life that have struggled – or continue to struggle – with addiction of different kinds.

  Chapter 1

  Miranda

  The day I saw Jack again started like any other Sunday morning.

  I got up early, pulled on an old pair of leggings and an even older burnt orange t-shirt. I made a cup of herbal tea, started my laptop, and got the spreadsheets up. Spreadsheets on a Sunday morning are perhaps not everybody’s cup of tea, but I find they bring a sense of comfort. I hear some people make decisions without first entering all the data onto a spreadsheet, but I’m not one of them. Spreadsheets bring logic, order and clarity to any issue, and help calculate risk. And how can you make any decision without first calculating the risk?

  That morning I was running numbers for the social enterprise my friends Julia, Sophia and I were launching. We were still in the very early stages of starting up, but we had a plan and had decided to give it a go. Our idea was to sell period cups in Scotland to raise money in order to help fund women’s health projects all over the world. Only a few years ago, I had never heard of period cups, but this project was quickly becoming something I felt passionately about.

  I sat cross-legged, working on the spreadsheet, when the doorbell rang. I squeezed my eyes shut and ran my hands through my hair. I wasn’t expecting anyone. Stretching my stiff legs and neck, I clicked ‘save’ and got up to answer the door.

  ‘Hello?’

  An old man in ripped jeans and hoodie stood on my doorstep. His dirty, grey hair hung in his eyes and his smile was wide as his eyes met mine. He swayed back too much and caught the door handle to steady himself. ‘Miranda, luv.’

  Smelling the alcohol and cigarettes on his breath, I sighed. ‘Dad.’

  ‘Well, are you going to let me in?’ His words were slurred, and I wondered when he’d had his last drink.

  I opened the door wider to let him in and he followed me to the kitchen. ‘How about a glass of water to rehydrate?’

  He chuckled merrily to himself. ‘Water? I don’t need any water. You got anything stronger?’

  I shook my head as I filled a glass with water and set it down in front of him. ‘Drink up,’ I said in a stern voice. He rolled his eyes but drained the glass.

  ‘Miranda darling, you’re just like your mother.’ He gave me a slow smile as his eyes were drooping, and he leaned back in his seat.

  ‘Right.’ I sat down opposite him and took him in. He looked – and smelled – like the binge he was on had gone on for quite some time, and I wondered how bad it had gotten. ‘When’s the last time you ate?’

  ‘Dunno.’ He yawned and made himself comfortable as though he was going to grab a quick nap.

  I couldn’t leave him to sleep it off at the table. ‘Come on. You’ll be more comfortable in a soft seat.’ Helping him up from his chair, I led him to the couch in the living room, where he cuddled up with a cushion and promptly fell asleep. I covered him in a blanket and sat down in the armchair listening to him snore for a few minutes as I wondered how he had ended up like this.

  Again.

  Though I knew Dad’s alcoholism was a disease, it still sucked that he – once again – was stuck on the drink. I shouldn’t feel disappointed; Dad had been an alcoholic for as long as I could remember, and he always would be. There had been periods where he was sober – some lasted for a couple of years – but he had never broken the addiction completely. I doubted he ever would. At least the alcohol hadn’t been too hard on him. He looked maybe ten years older than he was, his nose was red from overusing alcohol for too long, and he was in desperate need of a haircut, but he was healthy enough. He wasn’t much of a role model, but he had a way of defusing arguments and bringing peace to situations, even as his own life was as chaotic as they come.

  Still, it was hard to see him drunk.

  I put my laptop away – spreadsheets might be comforting, but I was too sad to want to be awake this Sunday morning. Going via the kitchen, I made Dad a couple of sandwiches and another glass of water. I set them on the coffee table by the couch with a couple of pills for his head, ready for him when he woke up. Then I went back to bed and went to sleep.

  When I woke up a few hours later, Dad was gone. The blanket was folded neatly on the couch, the sandwiches were gone, and – apart from a smell of cigarettes on the blanket – there was no evidence Dad had been there at all.

  I rubbed my face as I wished he had stayed. He was probably feeling guilty about crashing at mine when drunk, but I would rather have him drunk on my couch than drifting around Edinburgh. I wished for the millionth time that he would get sober again and was wondering how long it would be until I would next see him when my phone pinged.

  Soph: You coming to lunch at the Reids’ today? X

  Looking at the time, I saw I would just have time to brush my teeth before leaving. The Reids – or John and Karen – lived next door and were my friend Julia’s parents. As I had been in their house more than I had been in my own growing up, they were family to me, so I didn’t feel a need to get dressed up. My comfy old leggings and big scruffy t-shirt would do fine.

  Me: On my way x

  I brushed my teeth and pulled a comb through my hair before putting on my jacket and trainers and walking across the lawn. Sophia waved at me from the pavement as she hurried toward me. ‘Hey!’

  Wearing a blue casual dress with a thin belt and grey cardigan, as well as a black handbag and a pair of sunglasses, she looked well put together. I waited for her to get to the house before I said, ‘You coming from church?’

  She nodded, and we rang the bell before walking on in.

  ‘In here!’ Karen called from the kitchen, and I smiled at the feeling of being home.

  ‘It smells lovely in here. What are you cooking?’ Sophia took off her black flats and pushed her sunglasses onto the top of her head.

  ‘It’s nice to see you girls.’ Karen gave us each a big hug, squeezing me tight as though she knew I needed it. ‘We’re having chicken, and there’s lots of veg. You won’t go hungry, Miranda dear.’

  ‘Thank you.’ I smiled, grateful that she cared enough to remember that I swung between being vegetarian and vegan.

  I sat down to talk to Becky, their chocolate lab. Becky had lived at my house for months at a time over the years, and I would dare say nobody in the world knew me as well as Becky did. She had been there for me when Jack had left and Mum had died, giving me a reason to get out of bed in the mornings when I felt like giving up on life. Her velvet ears were soft on my cheek as I snuggled in for a hug. ‘Oh Becky.’ I sighed as I thought about Dad.

  ‘Everything ok, Mir?’ Julia asked.

  I pulled my mouth up into an awkward smile and nodded. ‘Yes, I’m ok.’

  ‘You look like you’ve lost weight, darling.’ Karen looked at me and frowne
d. ‘You’ve got to be careful. We don’t want any more of those dizzy spells you used to have back when Lisa was sick.’ Lisa was my mum. She died from cancer in my third year of university, a few months after Jack left me. She had been Karen’s best friend, and I knew she still missed her.

  As did I.

  ‘I don’t think I’ve lost much weight.’ I didn’t want to talk about Dad, so I shrugged and redirected the attention. ‘Julia has, though.’ Julia had just spent a year on a teacher exchange program in Kenya and had come back about ten kilos lighter. And miraculously tanned, considering her fair skin and red hair. I didn’t think I had ever seen her as tanned before.

  ‘Yes, you look great.’ Sophia nodded at Julia.

  ‘Thank you.’ She winked, clearly pleased with the way she looked.

  ‘John, are you coming?’ Karen hollered for her husband before turning back to us. ‘Let’s serve up. By the time we’re sitting down I’m sure the boys will be here.’

  The boys.

  From the way Karen referred to them, you might think they were schoolboys. They were not. These boys were men in their late twenties, one of which was a site manager at a construction company, and the other worked at Edinburgh University. And both Nick and Michael looked nothing like boys. Except, perhaps, for the way their eyes still held a hint of the mischief they were planning.

  Sophia grinned at me and I shook my head and snorted.

  Sitting down, I nodded toward John at the other side of the table and wondered whether I should talk to him about Dad. Later, I decided as Sophia asked me to pass her some water.

  We got our dinner, and – just as predicted – the guys walked through the door just as Karen said, ‘Let’s pray.’

  ‘Hello!’ Nick and Michael called, laughing as they came into the dining room with a familiar blonde coming up behind them.

  All the air went out of my chest. I would know that voice anywhere.

  ‘Hey,’ Jack said, and my breath hitched as he came into view. His blonde hair was short and messy, and his eyes still sky blue. There was a bit of scruff on his cheeks, longer than a five o’clock shadow, but short enough to suggest he just hadn’t bothered to shave since leaving Hong Kong. It further defined the sharp line of his jaw and made him look rugged.

  His neck was strong, and there was a pair of sunglasses hanging from the loose white Henley which made his tan pop and showed off his muscles. To say Jack looked good was perhaps the understatement of a lifetime. He had looked good before he left. Now he was devastatingly beautiful.

  Memories flew through my mind in a jumbled mess, and I watched as everyone got up to say hi. I would have found Karen’s face comical had it not been for the emotional rollercoaster happening in my stomach as I watched her all but squeal at the sight of her long-lost son and throw herself into his arms. Jack squeezed her tight and rocked from side to side as he hugged her back and grinned.

  ‘I can’t believe you’re here!’ Karen said as she stepped back and ran a hand across his cheek. ‘When did you land? Why didn’t you tell me? Are you hungry? Of course you’re hungry. Sit down.’

  ‘Give him a chance to breathe, love,’ John smiled at Karen as she fluttered around Jack. John pulled him in for a hug. ‘It’s good to see you, son.’

  I stayed where I was, gave him what felt like a strained smile and a hi in reply to his ‘Miranda.’

  I had known Jack was coming home for good but, as far as I knew, he wasn’t expected home for another few weeks.

  As planning ahead was my thing, I had already planned how I would prepare myself before seeing him. I would dress in my best jeans and heels, blow my hair out and do my makeup. The plan had not been to wear old leggings and a big orange t-shirt with a smudge of… chocolate? at the hem, with my hair pulled up in a messy topknot to cover the fact I hadn’t washed it.

  Running a hand over my face, I wished for a sink hole to open and swallow me. To my distress, I found the Reid house was starkly short of sink holes.

  It was six years since I last had seen Jack. At the time we had been engaged – planning to get married. But after a few weeks of living in Hong Kong, he had decided to break up with me, and I hadn’t seen him since.

  Around me, everyone sat back down and started dishing up, as I racked my brain for ways to escape. But it was futile. If I left too abruptly it would look like I still cared about him. Like his presence caused me to feel things.

  And maybe it did. Maybe his presence brought up memories of the most painful time of my life.

  Sure – there were feelings.

  But any romantic feelings I had ever had for him were well and truly in the past. I had moved on a long time ago.

  I struggled to pay attention to conversation as it turned to the camping trip the guys had gone on after picking Jack up at the airport on Thursday. Although I hadn’t eaten since my cup of tea several hours earlier, I no longer had an appetite.

  I was vaguely aware of Julia and Sophia trying to communicate concern for me with their eyes across the table. When Julia looked at me, I mouthed, ‘Did you know he was going to be here?’

  She shook her head; I was thankful this wasn’t a set up.

  ‘You ok?’ she mouthed back, and I gave a sharp nod and looked away.

  ‘It’s just wonderful to finally have all of you together around the table here again,’ Karen said, bringing her hands together over her chest. If she had been a cat, she would have been purring, she looked so delighted. And I would have been happy for her had I not been as caught up in my own feelings of embarrassment and wave after wave of pain as memories attacked me.

  Seeing Jack and remembering our breakup brought back all the feelings of grief and sadness from back then. Everything within me was off kilter. Still, I sat through the meal and avoided making eye contact with Jack, whose eyes kept seeking me out.

  I got the sense the girls did their best to distract him by starting a debate about camping and fishing and asking millions of questions, whilst somehow avoiding all the ones going through my mind. Like: why was he here now?

  I picked at my food and tried to eat a little in order to appear unaffected, even as I felt as though everyone could see straight through me. As soon as we had eaten dessert, I escaped to the bathroom, where I washed my face and tried to cool down. It hadn’t escaped my notice that Jack had jumped up to help with the dishes and offered to make his mum a cup of tea to keep her sitting down.

  I found a clean hand towel and patted my face dry as I shook my head. I had a weakness for kindness. Facing my pale self in the mirror, I said sternly, ‘You have dealt with this shit already. Pick yourself up and get over it.’

  I pinched my cheeks and pursed my lips as I tried to believe that what I was saying was true, but I had a gnawing suspicion that I still had some dealing to do. An image of Jack in his henley shirt floated through my mind and I sighed, wishing there was a way to escape the attraction I still felt towards him.

  I shook myself, trying to clear my head, and put a smile on my face before shrugging into my leather jacket, which made my outfit seem a little less hobo-ish. My smile looked strained, but it was the best I could do.

  Then I took a deep breath and went with the others to the pub.

  Chapter 2

  Jack

  Despite knowing I would see Miranda when I came home to Sunday dinner, I was unprepared for the way the sight of her hit me in the chest.

  She was gorgeous.

  Her thick dark hair was a mess on top of her head, and those moss green eyes and the freckles on her nose made it hard to breathe. She looked like she could use a few big meals, but her being just a little too skinny was nothing new. A memory of eating waffles together as children flashed by. Miranda had been maybe eight and had eaten eight waffles with cream and jam in one go without batting an eye. Her grin when she’d managed one more than I had had galled me at the time. Now I would have given anything for her to grin at me like that.

  I blew out a slow breath and focused on bei
ng the returning son after being overseas for six years. Mum jumped up with a squeal when she first saw me, as she didn’t expect me home for another few weeks. ‘How come you’re home already?’

  I grinned at her as she wrapped her arms around me. ‘The project I was working on finished up early, so I decided to come home. I need to go back out there for a few meetings in about a month, but until then I might as well be here,’ I said through Mum’s hair as she squeezed me.

  Dad stood up more slowly and came over to slap me on the back. ‘It’s good to see you, son.’ He wore a satisfied smile.

  Julia was next, and I rubbed her head affectionately as I hugged her.

  ‘You stink.’ She pulled back at the smell of campfire and sweat.

  ‘Camping.’ I shrugged and grinned. ‘It’s good to see you too. I might have missed you. A little.’

  ‘Yeah, I missed you too.’ She grinned back at me.

  Following Michael and Nick, who were dishing up food, I took in the scene. There were potatoes on the table instead of rice, and all the usual suspects sat around the table, talking over each other and smiling.

  We had all aged a bit, but we were still the same people.

  Sure, a few things had changed. Like Sophia and Michael had gotten married four years ago for Michael to get a visa to stay in Scotland. And Miranda, whom I had been engaged to six years ago, was now avoiding making eye contact with me. Still, Julia and Nick were the same – forever snapping at each other – and Mum and Dad still looked happy.

  See? Still the same people.

  I sighed. I was home.

  ‘Mum, this all smells amazing.’ I took a plate and started loading food onto it.

  ‘I bet you guys are starving after camping these days.’

  ‘Nothing beats your Sunday dinners, Karen,’ Nick said, and I mentally rolled my eyes at how he was trying to act charming to Mum in order to irritate Julia. He needn’t have bothered trying. Mum had always liked Nick, and he didn’t have to do much more than breathe to annoy Julia.