Heart of Us Read online

  Sophia took a sip of her water. ‘I’ve got a few ideas about fundraising, as well. But I think we should talk about your trip first. Am I right in thinking that you’re going to visit two different companies and their factories and, based on what they can offer, put in an order?’

  I nodded and proceeded to go over the details of my trip. Then we talked about Julia’s trip to Kenya, where she would work with the school we were giving the cups to, and we looked at my budget. It balanced, and Sophia and Julia seemed happy enough, but there were still too many contingencies for my comfort.

  ‘If you let me know all the bank details, I’ll make sure to pass them on to Jack, Michael and Nick, so they can deposit the money they’re putting in quickly,’ Sophia said and looked at me. ‘That way, you can pay for the cups.’

  I nodded and made a note to send her the details.

  ‘We’re cutting things pretty close here, aren’t we?’ Julia frowned as she looked at her calendar.

  ‘Yes, but I think we should be fine.’ I tried to exude confidence as I spoke, even though it was obvious to me that our timeline was way too optimistic. I turned to Sophia and asked about the website she was designing for us. Everything was on track, and we soon wrapped up our meeting.

  Julia, who lived close to the university, left for home, whereas Sophia and I walked down the steps and through Waverly Station together to catch our buses.

  ‘Are you still mad at me?’ Sophia asked, as we took the escalator up from the platforms toward Prince’s Street.

  I shook my head. ‘I was never mad at you.’

  She gave me a dry look.

  ‘Okay, fine. Maybe I was a little annoyed that you wouldn’t consult with me before giving Jack all that information, and agreeing I would stay with him, but whatever.’ I shrugged. ‘It’s not really that big of a deal.’

  She glanced away, and I wondered what she was thinking. ‘Uh-huh, for sure.’

  ‘Like you said, we’re friends, so a little trip to China should be no problem. Right?’

  Sophia nodded. ‘Right. I think you guys will have a great time. It’ll be like old times.’

  I cleared my throat. ‘Uh-huh. Sure.’

  ‘And if something was to happen…’ She elbowed me gently and shot me a cheeky smile.

  ‘Nothing will happen.’ I grabbed her arm and made her look at me as I said again, ‘Nothing will happen.’

  She nodded and gave me a kind smile, as though she was trying to reassure me. ‘But if it did, that would be okay too.’

  I flinched. Would it?

  Chapter 10

  Miranda

  Sitting at the gate at Edinburgh Airport waiting to board the flight to Helsinki, I picked at my nails. I had obtained my visa for China a couple of weeks earlier, and, whilst I was looking forward to experiencing Hong Kong and China, I was also – just a little – anxious at the thought of flying. I stared out the window, looking at the plane that had just started disembarking, whilst ignoring the hum of energy given off by Jack who was sitting next to me.

  Or I tried to ignore it.

  His long legs were stretched out in front of him, one foot resting on the other and rocking from side to side. If I didn’t know better, I might have thought he was nervous. I kept my eyes focused on the plane to keep from asking Jack to keep still. Again.

  Last time his answer had been to put his hands on my cheeks and place a big smacking kiss on my lips. I had reared back, my eyes going wide in surprise as I slapped his hands away. ‘Ever heard of consent, Jacky?’

  He shook his head at me and reached out to pat my back. ‘It’s going to be ok Mir; we’re not going to crash.’

  Thankful I didn’t blush easily, I shook my head at him and looked away. The butterflies in my stomach were fluttering, and I had a suspicion Jack had more to do with that than my nerves about flying did. Travelling with Jack was a bad idea. Still, here I was, having bought tickets to go to Hong Kong with him for the second time in my life. And this time, I was going to get on the plane.

  Still, if Jack didn’t stop bouncing his leg soon, I would strangle him in his sleep.

  I got my phone out and sent a text to the group text thread I had with Julia and Sophia.

  Me: How important is your brother to you? You won’t mind if he never comes home again, would you? xx

  My phone buzzed and I checked the message thread.

  Jules: Nah, he’s not that important. Do what you have to do xx

  Me: Great, coz I’m already feeling my patience wearing thin, and we’re not even in the air yet. Why did I agree to this??

  Soph: Think of the money. You’ll be fine! Enjoy yourself and if things start back up with Jack, what’s the harm, amiright? Xx

  I snorted and shook my head.

  Me: Sure, it’s only my heart that’s at stake... Also, that sounds like you’re pimping me out.

  I glanced at Jack, who stood up as they started calling people sitting in rows fourteen to twenty-five. ‘You coming?’ he said, taking his carry-on off the floor and getting his passport and boarding pass out.

  ‘Uh-huh.’ I stood up and gathered my things as my phone buzzed again.

  Soph: Stop! I’m not pimping you out – all I’m saying is you could take the opportunity to have a fling with him

  Yeah, that was not happening.

  Jules: So long as I don’t have to hear the details! xx

  Me: Got to go, they’re boarding our flight now. X

  I turned my phone off, joined the queue to board the plane, and found my seat next to Jack’s. Stuffing my carry-on underneath the seat in front of me, I took a deep breath as the aircraft started taxiing down the runway. I glanced at Jack and he smiled reassuringly. I was clearly doing a terrible job pretending not to be nervous. He reached for my hand, which was clenched tight on my lap. Bringing my hand to his lips, he kissed the back of it. ‘It’ll be ok.’

  Anxiety gave way to a sense of dread. This was the second time he had kissed me since we arrived at the airport. I pulled at my hand, and he let it go. ‘Jack…’

  ‘Yeah?’ He tilted his head toward me.

  I cleared my throat but managed to look him in the eye as I used my firmest voice to say, ‘You’ve got to stop kissing me.’

  My serious eyes and firm voice had little effect on Jack. His eyes glistened as though he was up to something. ‘Let’s make a deal.’

  Deals with Jack had rarely turned out in my favour. I sighed and eyed him warily. ‘What kind of a deal?’

  His eyes were gentle, even as they sparkled with mischief. ‘Seeing as it’s just you and me for the next few weeks, how about we decide that for these weeks, we’re allowed to kiss?’

  I sat up straight. ‘What kind of logic is that?’ I shook my head. ‘Why do you think I want to kiss you? I thought I’d made myself clear in saying that we’re not going to be getting back together. I’m not just playing hard to get here. I mean it.’

  ‘I’ve understood that you don’t want to get back together. And that’s not what I’m suggesting.’ He held his hands up as if to say he was innocent. ‘I’m just saying that for these weeks, we could allow ourselves to pretend that we don’t have a complicated history. We could decide we won’t talk about the past, and we won’t expect anything from each other beyond these weeks. It’ll be a sort of holiday from the issues of the past.’

  I know I should have turned him down straight away, but his suggestion intrigued me more than I might have liked to admit. I paused. ‘And when we go back?’

  He shrugged. ‘Then we talk about it, and if we want to just be friends again, then that’s what we do, and if we want to start going out-’

  ‘That’s not going to happen.’ That much I was unwaveringly clear on.

  He put his hands up again with the innocent gesture. ‘I’ve heard you. I’m just saying, in three weeks you might feel differently.’

  I snorted. ‘Not a chance.’

  An eyebrow lifted, and he bit his lip as if to hide a smile. ‘Well,
then. What have you got to lose?’

  Innocent, my foot. ‘I don’t have anything to lose, but that doesn’t mean I want to be kissing you.’ I looked away, avoiding his gaze in the hope he might not see the truth in my eyes.

  I felt him scan my face. ‘Prove it.’

  Caught off guard, I glanced at him. He had raised his chin in challenge. I chuckled. ‘Why should I have to prove a negative? Do you also need me to prove I don’t like to eat worms?’

  He smirked. ‘I believe you’ve already proven that.’

  ‘I was eight years old and didn’t know better!’

  The smirk grew into a wide grin. ‘Uh-huh. The thing is, you’re telling me you still don’t like to eat worms, but you’ve changed your mind about wanting to kiss me. You used to love kissing me. So, forgive me if I’m a little sceptical.’

  ‘I’m allowed to change my mind.’ I folded my arms across my chest.

  ‘Sure, you are. I just don’t believe you have.’ He rested his head against the headrest and closed his eyes as though the conversation was over, before saying, ‘There’s a way to prove me wrong, though.’

  I huffed, and even as I wondered how he had managed to manoeuvre me into this corner, I knew I hadn’t needed any manoeuvring at all. He was right. I did want to kiss him.

  One little kiss couldn’t hurt, right?

  Right?

  ‘Oh, go on then.’ I tilted my face toward him.

  He grinned, clearly way too pleased with himself. ‘You sure?’

  I raised my chin back at him. ‘Kiss me.’

  Thoughts like what was I thinking agreeing to this? melted away as I looked at the lips I had dreamt about for years after we broke up. He leaned in until he was about an inch away, and I could feel his breath on my skin. I took a sharp breath, and his familiar scent made my head feel lighter. As my lips tingled in anticipation, my heart beat like a drum. Then, instead of touching my lips with his, he hesitated and pulled back. He pursed his lips and he scanned my face. ‘Wait. If we’re going to do this, we do it properly.’

  I gave him an exasperated look. ‘Yeah yeah. Are you going to just talk or…’

  My breath hitched as he slid his hands around my neck, cupping my cheeks gently. His thumbs stroked my cheeks once whilst his fingers slid underneath my ears.

  I shivered, and my eyes flew up to his. He glanced at my mouth before meeting my gaze. His piercing blue eyes were full of desire and determination, and I got the feeling they hid something else. Something deeper.

  Then his lips touched mine and I felt myself melt. Just a little.

  His lips were gentle, his tongue darting across my lips, and I opened to let him in as the kiss grew hungrier. The longing I used to feel for him back when we were dating came rushing back, and my heart lurched. His hands were in my hair and I reached for his face. His cheeks were stubblier than they used to be, and still they felt familiar.

  He pulled back when the air hostess came around, offering drinks, and I caught my breath and looked out the window. The clouds were now below us.

  ‘Tell me again how you don’t want to kiss me.’ His voice was soft, barely above a whisper, and the feeling of his lips against mine still lingered.

  I cleared my throat. I wasn’t a liar and wouldn’t pretend I didn’t like kissing him. ‘So, you’re a good kisser.’ I shrugged and tried to appear unaffected. ‘Doesn’t mean I want to get back together.’

  Jack nodded. ‘Still, we could enjoy having a holiday fling together.’ He leaned back in his seat and picked up his magazine, as though he was entirely unaffected. ‘Think about it.’

  As if I could think about anything other than kissing him now. I got my knitting out and focussed on getting the pattern on the sock right. I had brought wooden knitting needles that I could take through airport security, and I was thankful I had my knitting then. My hands needed to be busy as my mind tried to make sense of Jack’s mad idea. Thankfully, I had knit the same pattern lots of times before, so I didn’t have to concentrate too hard. Instead, my mind was playing What If. What if he was right and we could have a no-strings fling in Hong Kong without anyone getting hurt? Would I want that?

  Was the Pope a Catholic? Of course I wanted a no-strings fling. I hadn’t kissed many guys since Jack, but none of them had come close to the way he kissed. Maybe it was because he knew me. Or maybe because we had spent our teenage years practicing with each other. In any case, if there really were no strings, then why would I opt out of having a fling with him? The only reason I could see would be if a fling brought the possibility of making me want more. Would I fall for him again?

  I shook my head. That wasn’t going to happen.

  Turning it over and over in my mind, as I knit round after round of the sock’s leg, I came to the conclusion that he was right. I really had nothing to lose. I never wanted to be in a long-term relationship again, and I would never marry. It dawned on me then that an opportunity like this might not come along again. This trip might be my only chance to be an item with somebody who – mostly – knew me.

  I put my knitting down, confident I had thought through all the possibilities from every angle. There was no risk involved and, as Jack had all too easily proved, I would enjoy a short relationship with him.

  I reached out and took hold of his hand. ‘Ok, I’m done thinking.’

  He looked up at me. ‘Yeah?’ The hopeful smile on his face reminded me of when we had been teenagers, and he had suggested some outrageous adventure like rock climbing up castle hill or biking through the night to St Andrews. Back then, saying yes had been easy.

  I had grown up since.

  I hesitated before throwing caution to the wind and giving him a weak smile. ‘Yeah.’ I cleared my throat. ‘But if this is going to work, we have to agree not to talk at all about the past. And when we arrive back in Scotland, we go back to being friends, no questions asked.’

  Now it was his turn to hesitate. His eyes searched mine, and, upon seeing my determination, he nodded. He stroked his thumb across the back of my hand, causing my whole arm to tingle. ‘If that’s what you want.’

  ‘Yes.’ I nodded decisively. ‘Also, no sex.’ That was a line I wasn’t going to cross with him again.

  He shrugged. ‘That’s fine with me.’

  I sat back in my seat. ‘Okay then.’ Unsure of where to go from here, I avoided looking at him by studying the safety instructions on the seat in front of me.

  ‘Come here, then.’ He lifted the armrest between us and wrapped his arm around my shoulders, pulling me close. He leaned in and kissed the top of my head. ‘Snuggle in.’

  I took a deep breath, filling my lungs with the familiar scent that was Jack and just a hint of masculine cologne. I relaxed, soaking up the feeling of his arms wrapped around me. It had been a long time since I felt as safe and at home as I did right then.

  Despite being in a tin tube somewhere over Sweden.

  Chapter 11

  Past

  Miranda

  Jack, Julia and I all went to the church youth group together. Not because we wanted to, but because Karen wanted us to. To be fair, it was a good youth group, and we had a great youth leader who organised fun things and really cared about us and about us getting the opportunity to explore who God is.

  I was fourteen when our youth group went on a weekend away to a missionary centre in Oban. Having not travelled much, I wanted to take in the scenery, so I sat next to Julia at the front of the bus where we could take it all in. The scenery was amazing as we travelled along rocky hillsides and along the lochs up the west coast. We stopped once, just to stretch our legs, at the iconic Rest and Be Thankful. As others took the chance to climb the sides of the hill and have a laugh, I spent the time gazing over the valley. Rest and Be Thankful was exactly right.

  I had all kinds of crap going on at home. Dad had been gone for a few years now, the longest he had ever stayed away, but recently he had been in contact more, showing up at the house crying. I wasn’t sure what wa
s going on, but it sounded as though Dad had hit a fairly low point. Also, with the end of the school year coming up, I was feeling the pressure to perform at school.

  But as I stood there, soaking in the beauty of the rugged mountains with the yellow gorse bushes just bursting with colour, I felt like I could breathe again. Jack’s arms encircled me from behind, and I leaned against him as he brushed a kiss to my ear. ‘Pretty, isn’t it?’

  I nodded. ‘More than pretty. It’s… everything.’

  A couple of hours later we arrived at the manor house in Oban where we would be staying. We were met by the YWAM missions team there who showed us our rooms. Then, we gathered in the big living room, where a fire was burning in the stove, and they gave us a short introduction to the weekend before starting a time of worship.

  I sat on the floor in a corner of the room and listened to them speaking about how we cannot love a God we don’t know, but once we get to know him it’s difficult not to fall in love with him. I wanted to believe that what they were saying was true, but so much in my life said the opposite. And God wasn’t someone I loved, but rather someone I kind of feared. One of the YWAMers took out a guitar and started singing. People around me started joining in with the familiar songs, but I sat there in my corner, wondering if I would ever be able to love God.

  After the first song, one of the YWAM team girls said, ‘I’ve been thinking about what it looks like to know and love God, and sometimes it can feel a bit daunting. It’s a big step to commit your whole life to God. But maybe you’d like to give it a go for just this one weekend? You could try it out, search him out and let him find you this weekend. Let him show you who he is. And if at the end of the weekend that’s that and you don’t want to take it any further, then that’s ok.’ She shrugged. ‘Still, what’s one weekend?’

  I remembered the peace I had felt at Rest and Be Thankful, and I decided that, for this one weekend, I would give God a proper go. Not because I felt obligated to – I didn’t – but because I wanted to find out for myself if there really was something to the whole God thing.